Belonging vs Fitting In
A Deep Dive
Hello beautiful souls!
Welcome to our little corner of the written world where we learn a little, reflect a little, laugh a little, and push back against being one dimensional and, instead, embrace the multidimensional nature of our human experience - those things that lie within us, beyond the mirror.
This deep dive is all about fitting in versus belonging, and how it impacts the way we show up in the world. Thanks for joining me.
Warmly, Sharon
“Belonging is the opposite of fitting in.” - Brene Brown
We spend most of our young lives learning how to fit in. Parents, friends, teachers, the media, society - everyone has their own set of expectations about who we should be. It’s like getting bombarded with tiny sticky notes of "be this," "do that," "don’t be too much," and somehow, we’re supposed to make sense of it all.
Honestly, it's a wonder anyone figures out what it means to be their actual self. So, we tuck away the parts that don’t seem to fit - the quirks, the wild ideas, the things that make us light up - and try to play the role that we believe everyone else expects.
When I think back to my younger self, all I remember is a girl who just wanted to fit in and be accepted. I thought that was “belonging.” But now? Now, I wish I had embraced that little girl in her Wonder Woman underoos, who believed she could do anything—even be a superhero.
Let’s be real, even Wonder Woman had to shed her “by day” persona to step into the most badass version of herself.
Fitting in has become the norm, but it feels like cramming yourself into a pair of jeans that just don’t fit right - yeah, you wiggle, shimmy, and get them on, but you can’t breathe all day. Same thing happens when you’re trying to cram yourself into the expectations you’ve adopted - it gets hard to breathe, and eventually, those jeans feel like they’re suffocating. Brené Brown gets it right when she says fitting in is the opposite of belonging.
Belonging? That’s more like when you show up in your favorite, perfectly broken-in jeans—the ones that make you feel like you, no shimmy required. Belonging is about being fully seen, messy quirks and all, and still feeling like you’re right where you belong. Carl Jung would be nodding along with Brené, but he’d also add that belonging to yourself has to come first.
Belonging to yourself is Jung’s idea of individuation. It’s all about dusting off those parts of you that got tucked away because they didn’t quite fit the polished version you were busy building for everyone else. The quote below, by Jung, really sums up how easy it can be to lose yourself in the words and expectations of the world around us.
Brené Brown suggests in her talks that you know you’ve reached real belonging when you can tell your story and like who you are in the process.
How I imagine myself if I were totally free to be all the versions of me… well, it’s not exactly who I am right now. And I’ve got to ask myself—why is that?
This question seems to pop up more frequently after yet another rejection on LinkedIn, where I’ve sent off an application, full of years of experience and passion, only to be told (or ghosted) that I’m not quite the perfect fit. You know the drill: “Thanks, but no thanks.”
So, like any logical person, I dive back into tweaking my resume and cover letter, as if that’s the problem—as if adding a little more polish to the professional version of me will suddenly make it all click.
After two decades of hard work and success, this new job market comes with a whole set of its own oddities. But as I go through this whole song and dance of trying to make my resume stand out and feel more like “me,” I start to feel the “ick.” You know the one—when something feels off, like you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. That’s when it hits me, like a gut punch: I’ve been tucking away entire parts of who I am just to fit into professional roles. I’ve done it for decades, folding pieces of myself into neat little boxes to meet expectations, to succeed, to fit in. And now I’m wondering how often I actually get to be my whole self. Now, listen, I’m not saying that sometimes we have to adapt ourselves situationally, but be clear that this is not the same thing as removing parts of yourself to fit in.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but it feels like Millennials and Gen Z were taught to embrace authenticity and stand out, while Gen X (hi there!) was raised on the fine art of fitting in. It’s like marketing their own brand was part of the Millenial/GenZ social curriculum. Chime in on the chat.
Now that I’ve shared some of my own reflections, I want to provide you opportunities for reflection as well.
Reflection Prompts:
Below are two prompts that you can use for reflection in a journal, audio notes, or however you capture your musings. If you are a subscriber, feel free to share your reflection in the chat.
Want to catch my answer to one of the reflections? Look for an upcoming audio reflection.
Always stick to what makes you weird, odd, strange, different. That’s your source of power. - Robert Greene, Author of The 48 Laws of Power
Now, the hard part—you’ve explored, you’ve reflected, and now, it’s about integrating those parts of you that have been collecting dust and stepping fully into the you that’s been waiting to be visible.
Shifting from a mindset of fitting in to a space of true belonging is a powerful transformation. Like all meaningful change, it takes practice and intention. Here are some practical steps you can put into place to help you move from a place of external validation to one of self-acceptance and genuine connection.
Daily Self-Check-Ins
Why: This builds self-awareness, helping you notice when you're adjusting yourself to fit in versus when you're showing up authentically. It helps you take action in real time, course-correcting as needed to align with your true self.
How: Start your day with the question: "Am I making choices today that are true to me?" Throughout the day, pause to reflect on how you’re feeling and adjust accordingly.
Set Boundaries that Honor Your Needs
Why: Boundaries are a key step in honoring your authentic self. Without clear boundaries, you risk falling back into fitting in by doing things that don't align with who you really are.
How: Get clear on what drains you or makes you feel disconnected from yourself, and start practicing small "no's" or time blocks to protect your energy.
3. Identify and Reclaim Your Boxed-Up Traits
Why: Rediscovering parts of yourself that you've hidden or set aside is a crucial step toward belonging to yourself. This practice gives you permission to bring those traits into the present and make them a part of your life again.
How: Make a list of traits or passions you’ve boxed up over time. Each week, focus on bringing one of those traits to the forefront of your actions or decisions.
4. Surround Yourself with People Who Celebrate Your True Self
Why: You need a support system that embraces you as you are. When you're surrounded by people who see and value the real you, it reinforces your ability to stay true to yourself.
How: Reflect on your relationships. Seek out or nurture connections where you feel you can be your authentic self. Let go of relationships where you feel like you have to wear a mask.
Embracing Your Whole Self - Quick Q&A with Malaka Gharib
Belonging is… - You Tube Short Brene Brown
Looking for Signs - YouTube Short Brene Brown
Individuation - You Tube Short
Individuation Therapy Work - Center for Mindful Psychotherapy
I am a Gen Z and I personally have experienced that yes I was taught “authenticity” even if that authenticity was high school musical depth of not having to “stick to the status quo.” In practicality we all seek to control how we are perceived. It is admirable to seem effortlessly authentic - not trying too hard and fitting in but authentic enough to remain likable.
But hey, that’s a whole self-involved mental mess when, at the end of the day, nobody is thinking about you as much as you are. Just trying to put my energy into what makes me happy.